Sunday, January 26, 2014

Where do I even start?

I have been hesitant to write anything terribly personal. There are a lot of what-ifs with blogging consequences.  What if I'm being honest about how I'm feeling about personal things that are going on in my life...and the people that might be a part of that read this and figure out its about them...and then I get sued for...something? (Or someone thinks I'm writing about them...but I'm not.) What if I'm having a crap day at work...or a crap financial life...and my boss finds this and they put two and two together and then I don't have a job? I guess we'll cross those bridges if we get there. Apparently I need a creative outlet.

At least that's what the psychic I just got a reading from told me. She told me I shouldn't be ignoring all my muses. She told me I needed to be writing about how I feel and that my writing will help those reading it. Which is funny...because I had been thinking about posting on those topics. I just wasn't sure anyone would really want to read it. I mean...this was supposed to be about low carb food.

Why have I let my muses go silent? Money. Well the lack of money. Cooking low carb ain't always cheap. Designing jewelry requires gems and metals. (Oddly the universe has been delivering I just need to wait for the metals to show up.) Selling all the stuff I would craft, requires venues in which to sell them...All of which require cash.

So how am I feeling? Kind of like a failure at life sort of. I mean...I'm a nice person and all...but being 39, single, broke and stuck...I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. No kids, no lover, no retirement savings, never been able to afford a real vacation. Don't own a home. Drive a super old car. Pretty much my life looks like a big scary mess that will not get better with time. How's that for pessimism?

Why so glum? I suppose here's a juicy-ish bit. I was dating someone late summer. We will call him Houdini. It didn't work out. He just stopped calling and texting. Then one day he posted on social media he had found employ out of state. We got back in touch and decided we could be friends. Life went on. I was just barely starting to dip my toe back into the dating pool when Houdini decided he wanted to be my boyfriend again. So I put the brakes on the dating pool and devoted my attention to Houdini. He didn't know what to get his child for the holidays. I picked up a few things, wrapped and labeled them from Santa and Dad. Spent Christmas together. Spent New Year's together. Then he Houdini-ed again. Didn't pay me back for the presents. (Yes, he said he would.) No calls, no texts. Stopped posting on social media for a week. I really thought he might be dead. Nope. Just a coward. Still haven't heard from him. He did post something on social media about being bored at work. So...he's alive and well and lame.

It makes me seriously question my own ability to attract a healthy relationship. If the universe is my mirror, how scared am I to be in a relationship, that I keep getting guys like that? Pretty freakin' scared.

Luckily I'm one of those people that forces myself to do things..even when they are scary. If I didn't, I might miss something really love. One more frog down.